Abusive Relationships Part I

"Everyone you meet comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.♥"-Nicky Taheri

This quote made me realize, no one is perfect.

as we grow older we experience the good and the bad.

we have our hearts broken, remodeled, and molded back

But it will NEVER be the same.

I may be young and stepping out into the world but ive been through a lot when it comes to relationships. but i mean who hasn't gone through a lot, who hasnt been heartbroken? what i meant was i fall into the category of "the girl who's been in an abusive relationship". Whether i was the victim or the bully, i know i been both.

IT all began when i was 16, i guess my first "real" boyfriend. man, i was naive so hella young still believed in the fairy tale, still watched the disney channel. oh yeah, that bad. But anyway the guy he seemed so good to be true. He was good looking, hard working, romantic, kind and he seemed so genuine. i wasnt really interested because i dont know i guess im not easily impressed and plus i was scared of guys.

So slowly over the months we dated and finally November 1st of 09' he asked me out and i said yes. Did i mention he was four years older than i was? Well you see back than, and i guess now age ain't nothing but a number. The first months we're perfect of course but than over the course of our relationship he was so controlling, so violent, and just angry all the time. He would belittle me, he'd tell me i'm not good enough for anyone, he'd embarrass me in front of my own friends and his those were the emotional abuse. He was also physically abusive if i didn't do what he said he's pull my hair, yell at me, push me and threatened to either hurt me, hurt himself, or worse kill the both of us.

One time i remember i gathered all my strength and told him "i'm done", where i messed up is i said it in the car while he was driving when it was raining hardcore. We were in the freeway and he push the gas pedals i remembered it was 120 mph.. i closed my eyes and i cried and begged him to stop, i remembered he told me "if i don't have you than i rather kill myself." That is the one out of hundred incidents.. there was the crash where we got into a massive car accident because he was drunk, the time in LA, i can go on.

 Everytime i tried to leave, he'd find a way to get me back. He was smart or maybe i was just dumb. He was a cheater, a manipulator, but for some reason i loved him. I thought to myself he will change he will change. i had so much faith in him and faith wasn't enough.  For a moment i felt trap, felt so unworthy, like i was a doormat. I was SO BROKEN, SO VULNERABLE, that i did everything he wanted me to do. I was his slave. i was what everyone called "stupid girl". Everyone would tell me get out, you deserve better this and that but they never truly know the pain and fear i hide behind my smile that i have to fake everyday. They didn't know what danger i was in. When i finally had the strength to let go i cut all communications with him.

"Outta sight outta mind"

That was my motto, plus it made it easier that he was in jail when i broke up with him. I told myself i truly deserve better, everyday i tell myself that. Miraculously i started to believe it. i stop writing letters to him stop spending or sending him stuff. He begged me in letters asking me to forgive, i couldn't at least not anymore.

Once he got out, all HELL broke loose. He written an email to one of my friend telling her when he sees me he can't wait to choke me til my face turns red and how it'll give him pleasure when i'm "begging" for mercy. He had people watching me, i was a little spooked for awhile but i got over it. I didn't want him to control my life with fear, i was truly done. Although it took me awhile to get my shit together i did it, i had to figured out how to do me.. after him i quit dating for awhile, i was scared, felt like i needed to find self worth.. i built a large wall to separate me and everyone else, i didnt want to let anyone in. i was fine being alone.

one in a half later...

(To be continued)