Killing Me Softly, love.

Stings the heart, tires the soul, and weakens the mind.

The hardest part of love is sometimes not being able to show it over pride

or being too afraid to show it because of past experiences, 

or you just don't know how the other person feels, your afraid they'll end up pushing you away. Unrequited love.

Being with someone for a long time cause people to be attached and so deeply involve, most times confused whether the feeling is there or it's just comfortability

You tend to ask yourself, is this love? or just lust?

Your so comfortable being with one another you start to think that it's love

But what if love and comfortability (not a word) is two completely different things

You tend to question yourself and the other person day after day

How can you test something invisible but yet feels so strong?

I guess that's where conflicts, trials and tribulations come to play.

If two people can go through something so difficult together

Or stay together after the storm, isn't that love?

I mean what else would it be? Why be together after all that happened, why put yourself in a situation where you continue to abuse your heart for somebody else?

If one chooses to leave than their love just wasn't strong enough.

Love is unconditional, a least the real type of love

Now a days 

relationships, marriages, just don't last

the rate of divorce is 1 out of every two couples in America

People give up the first sign of danger.

Love, is working things out, no matter how hard the circumstance is

Love, is fighting constantly, but being able to know it'll pass 

Love, is able to forgive the unforgiving

Love is pure, patient, and forgiving

in the words of Drake, "We live in a generation of, not being IN LOVE"

Anger, Disappointment, Worry: Waste of Emotions

Lately i've been feeling so angry, so underestimated, and disrespected.

So lost, like as if i've lost my path in life

I feel like  baby deer who's just lost it's momma deer..

No sense of directions..

That's why i've been so angry at the world, at myself, and the people around me..

I mean don't get me wrong, there's a reason why i get mad at people, but anyway

Everytime when there's an issue,  can't help but to switch my light switch on to "Controlling Beetttcch!", when things don't go as i planned I turned to Medusa from the hood

I'm disappointed and mad, mad at the people, mad at the dog, mad at the grass, mad at everything

when really it's not really their fault. I mean it is their fault than its not.

No one can have there way all the time

But see, with that i don't get the concept

I'm such a control freak that when things aren't going well, i stress the hell out.

Sometimes, most times i have to continually remind myself that

life gives you obstacles, that won't allow you to too see the outcome.

No matter how bad you wanna see it, you just have to be patience

and let the MAN upstairs take control...

anger, disappointments, worries, they're all such a waste of emotions.

I can tell you first hand, everytime i'm angry i blow the hell out, way out of proportion

I cuss, I yell, I accuse, and I feel as if I out to destroy the world

Once I'm done with anger, i just feel like shit, I feel so heartless and unkind..

Ugh, life, why give us such emotion such as these? Makes things so much harder.

Especially if your a woman, the mood swings don't help.. nor the pms's.

#Wordd! Story of my lifee!

Abusive Relationships Part I

"Everyone you meet comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.♥"-Nicky Taheri

This quote made me realize, no one is perfect.

as we grow older we experience the good and the bad.

we have our hearts broken, remodeled, and molded back

But it will NEVER be the same.

I may be young and stepping out into the world but ive been through a lot when it comes to relationships. but i mean who hasn't gone through a lot, who hasnt been heartbroken? what i meant was i fall into the category of "the girl who's been in an abusive relationship". Whether i was the victim or the bully, i know i been both.

IT all began when i was 16, i guess my first "real" boyfriend. man, i was naive so hella young still believed in the fairy tale, still watched the disney channel. oh yeah, that bad. But anyway the guy he seemed so good to be true. He was good looking, hard working, romantic, kind and he seemed so genuine. i wasnt really interested because i dont know i guess im not easily impressed and plus i was scared of guys.

So slowly over the months we dated and finally November 1st of 09' he asked me out and i said yes. Did i mention he was four years older than i was? Well you see back than, and i guess now age ain't nothing but a number. The first months we're perfect of course but than over the course of our relationship he was so controlling, so violent, and just angry all the time. He would belittle me, he'd tell me i'm not good enough for anyone, he'd embarrass me in front of my own friends and his those were the emotional abuse. He was also physically abusive if i didn't do what he said he's pull my hair, yell at me, push me and threatened to either hurt me, hurt himself, or worse kill the both of us.

One time i remember i gathered all my strength and told him "i'm done", where i messed up is i said it in the car while he was driving when it was raining hardcore. We were in the freeway and he push the gas pedals i remembered it was 120 mph.. i closed my eyes and i cried and begged him to stop, i remembered he told me "if i don't have you than i rather kill myself." That is the one out of hundred incidents.. there was the crash where we got into a massive car accident because he was drunk, the time in LA, i can go on.

 Everytime i tried to leave, he'd find a way to get me back. He was smart or maybe i was just dumb. He was a cheater, a manipulator, but for some reason i loved him. I thought to myself he will change he will change. i had so much faith in him and faith wasn't enough.  For a moment i felt trap, felt so unworthy, like i was a doormat. I was SO BROKEN, SO VULNERABLE, that i did everything he wanted me to do. I was his slave. i was what everyone called "stupid girl". Everyone would tell me get out, you deserve better this and that but they never truly know the pain and fear i hide behind my smile that i have to fake everyday. They didn't know what danger i was in. When i finally had the strength to let go i cut all communications with him.

"Outta sight outta mind"

That was my motto, plus it made it easier that he was in jail when i broke up with him. I told myself i truly deserve better, everyday i tell myself that. Miraculously i started to believe it. i stop writing letters to him stop spending or sending him stuff. He begged me in letters asking me to forgive, i couldn't at least not anymore.

Once he got out, all HELL broke loose. He written an email to one of my friend telling her when he sees me he can't wait to choke me til my face turns red and how it'll give him pleasure when i'm "begging" for mercy. He had people watching me, i was a little spooked for awhile but i got over it. I didn't want him to control my life with fear, i was truly done. Although it took me awhile to get my shit together i did it, i had to figured out how to do me.. after him i quit dating for awhile, i was scared, felt like i needed to find self worth.. i built a large wall to separate me and everyone else, i didnt want to let anyone in. i was fine being alone.

one in a half later...

(To be continued)